My Jannah is no more…

We are hiding in a school building… I am alone here… Alone, yet not truly alone, as unfamiliar faces surround me… I am standing in Class 7th… It was my classroom of grade 7.. I remember where I used to sit when I was 12, and that window from where me and my friends used to exchange chips and wafers. But now, that same window fills me with dread; moments ago, I witnessed a horrifying explosion, and a child’s body, clad in a grey sweater, has landed there. His eyes are shut, a faint smile gracing his lips, marred by splatters of blood. Gunfire erupts nearby, the sound of boots pounding the floor grows louder.I hide myself behind the door of my seventh grade classroom. Within a second, the door knob is being opened.

A soldier in uniform strides in, and in that fleeting moment, I catch a glimpse of him before I shut my eyes tight. He opens fire, bullets erupting from his weapon; one, two, three, and countless more. My mind momentarily freezes, but a force jolts me back, and these words were on my lips

لا اله الا الله محمد رسول الله

I was repeating it fervently. Though bullets were out of the barrel, but instead of pain, I felt only a cool breeze. My senses sharpen; I hear the gunfire and feel the wind, yet I keep my eyes closed, raising my finger in a gesture of testimony, claiming

اشهد أن لا اله الا الله و اشهد ان محمدا رسول الله

For the first time, I sensed the shooter’s breath close to my ear, as if he’s taunting me, asking, ‘What did you say?’ I respond again, adding to my declaration with

اشهد أن لا اله الا الله و حده لا شريك الله و اشهد ان محمدا عبده و رسوله

Once again, I felt the chill of the breeze against my face. I am grateful, Alhumdulilah, for the happiness that has finally come to me. I’m on my way to Jannah… لبيك اللهم لبيك. At last, I have got my ticket to Jannah… I’m truly going to Jannah… All my struggles, depression, and worries are behind me. Wallahi, I’m heading to the place I’ve always dreamed of, where I can be on swing, play badminton, ride cycle and horses freely in my own Jannah alongside my beloved ones (May Allah grant them Jannah too… Amen ya Rabb). My trials are over… that is all? Was I only able to endure this much suffering in my life? Indeed, لا يكلف الله نفسا الا وسعها… that is my conviction, and it is the belief of every Muslim!

But wait… why is it so quiet here? Gathering my courage, I opened my eyes… The desks were all empty, the room was deserted, and I stood alone by the door, shockingly gazing at the floor. There wasn’t a single drop of blood on the ground. With trembling hands, I grasped the doorknob and closed it without looking outside.

Now, I find myself at the front desk, my reflection is visible in the mirror that is placed on the blackboard. My eyes are shut, my head bowed, and my hands are in a state of dua. I again hear the sound of boots approaching… they draw nearer, and nearer. Now, I can feel his presence behind me… He rested his chin on my head and then… He… He brutally tortured me physically… I am in pain… so much pain… and then I opened my eyes with pain and shock.

I was in my bed, a sheet covering me. I could only feel breathlessness. I realised it was my dream. In an instant, my vision of Jannah faded away, and I found myself alone once more, surrounded by my burdens.

Yes I lived a day life in Gaza, I was part of it, I bear that pain of death, I enjoyed the cool breeze of Jannah. It’s been 1.5 years now… I never dreamt of Gaza and Gazans unless today. I cried so hard for the first time in forever for Gaza…but No, I didn’t cry for them, Yes I cried for my Jannah that was not there anymore. I was holding the ticket to Jannah and all of a sudden it vanished. That pain pinched my heart not the flying bodies of babies. Uff how self centred I am.. this is my reality… This is a fake reality of ZainbintSalim. I’m ashamed Gazans I’m ashamed Rasoolullah SAW since I’m dead inside, since your Ummah is dead.

إنا لله و إنا إليه راجعون

Written by: ZainbintSalim